63. You Already Know What to Do. So What's Keeping You Stuck?

Dr. Vanessa Calderón: Welcome to The Authentic Path. I'm your host, Dr. Vanessa Calderon, Harvard-trained physician and healer. I integrate science and ancestral wisdom to support you in creating the success you desire in all areas of your life. I'm so glad you're here. Let's get started. let's be honest, most of us already know a lot. We know boundaries matter, we know and reset matters, ⁓ we know exercise, self-compassion, authenticity, mindfulness. We know all those things matter. ⁓ And yet, knowing alone isn't translating into the ways of being we want to be creating for ourselves. we're gonna explore the difference between awareness and what it really takes to create the transformation that we want in our lives. And here's the thing, it in the spaces of the in-between because awareness may open the door to what it is that we want, but nothing will change if you don't integrate. ⁓ Today we're talking about something that I see all of the time with my clients. ⁓ And honestly, it was with me too. And that's this. Awareness is not the thing as integration. ⁓ And understanding this ⁓ one simple little sentence might be incredibly life-changing for you. Because here is I know to be true. All of you listening are smart people. You're thoughtful, you're high functioning, you're productive. You have some self-awareness, you read books, you listen to podcasts, and you've had many moments where light bulbs have gone off and something might have clicked for you. And that feels good because you think, wow, fantastic, I have this moment of awareness. However, You fast forward a couple of weeks, a couple of months, and you are still not changing your behaviors. You're still responding the same way. You're still stuck in the same patterns, still not fully living into the truth that you know to be true. So today what we're going to talk about is why that actually happens, why this matters for you, why it's so hard to make those changes, and how you can begin to truly integrate and embody you want to become. let's jump in. The reason I'm bringing you this conversation is because I just finished a group coaching program with ⁓ leaders that group coach in a big organization. when I was to afterwards and getting feedback, a lot of them were saying things like, man, so many of the things you talk about, like I already knew I already knew I just wasn't doing them. ⁓ And it took me working with you finally start doing the things that you that I knew to be true. It took me working with you to finally change who to change my ways and become who I wanted to become. And I thought, ding, ding, ding. That's right. It takes you doing the work to become who you want to become. Because here's the thing. When you start listening, like you're listening to this podcast, you've read books before and you're going to hear things that just resonate with you that are simple. They're not necessarily complicated and they just feel true. They really resonate. So think about something like the book, The Four Agreements, super famous book by doctor. ⁓ no, he's not a doctor. Or actually he was a doctor. He was a medical doctor, Don Miguel Ruiz. He just doesn't go by doctor anymore. But anyway, Don Miguel Ruiz. So he writes this book, it's called The Four Agreements, and it's almost instantly an international bestseller. And he was one of my teachers. And I remember once in a conversation, somebody asked him, why do you think your book was so powerful, like so effective across the world? And he's like, ⁓ easy. The book is just integrity, talking to integrity. So it's just like my, my truth, my capital T truth, speaking to other people's capital T truths and they're not his, it's just the wisdom of his lineage. And so it's simple, it's clear, it's powerful. And you know, the four, the four agreements again are simple. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take things personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. ⁓ We all can read the four agreements. I said them out loud to you right now, and you're probably like, yeah, of course, we're not going to argue against, always do your best. Don't make assumptions. Don't take things personal. all agree. ⁓ yet we're not all living in that way. So why is that? This is because the magic of transformation doesn't just come from moments of awareness. It doesn't just come from learning. It doesn't come from what sort of feels good, that feeling of like the light bulb going off, because that feeling that you're getting is a feel good hormone. It's actually dopamine. So what's happening in your brain every time you get a moment of awareness is that you get a hit of dopamine and that hit of dopamine feels really, really good. And so some people can get really addicted to moments of awareness, reading a ton of books, listening to these podcasts. absorbing a lot of knowledge because it feels good. the brain loves that and so does the body. And it actually feels like you're progressing. But you will notice as you're going along, your weeks and your months later, that things aren't actually changing. You're not actually changing who you are. ⁓ awareness without integrating what you're learning ⁓ really just a sense of like, you're just creating a sense of potential, but you're not actually taking the steps to do that. Integration is different. Integration takes practice. Integration is like the day to day, moment to moment, choosing to live the things that you're learning. It's not just like, I know that I'm supposed to set boundaries. It's actually doing the uncomfortable work of setting a boundary and respecting the boundaries you set. It's about like scheduling that difficult conversation that you know you have to have with somebody you're managing or choosing to rest when your identity is so tied to productivity and you can feel so guilty and uncomfortable resting. Those moments to moments of integration, that is what causes transformation. And let's be honest, that work is really uncomfortable. It can be really uncomfortable. And the reason why it's so uncomfortable is because you are becoming somebody different. Every time you integrate a level of awareness, you're changing a habit, you're breaking a pattern. And you are essentially expanding who you are into someone else, into this higher level, higher version of yourself. And that is really uncomfortable because you're creating a new energetic set point. And most people, they don't want to feel that level of discomfort. And so what they do is they stay in the awareness phase. They keep reading, keep learning. They'll say things like, I already know this. I give lectures to, you know, groups of like 50 to 100 professionals and physicians and lawyers and there's people in the audience and they're just like not along. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I already know this. I already know this. But they're not changing their actions. And so there's a difference between knowing and actually doing the work. And that's what I want for you. I actually want you not just to hear what I'm saying, I want you to actually hear what I'm saying and take in what resonates and do the work to make the changes in your life. because I want you to live a life that is in alignment with your highest self, that's in alignment with your values. Because what will start to happen is the more you start to learn things and you don't actually do it, it creates a huge level of frustration because you'll start saying to yourself, why am I not changing? Why do I keep doing this over and over again? And that can start to feel like self abandonment or self betrayal. one of the deepest forms really of you betraying yourself. You're not living in alignment with who you know you are meant to be. That creates a level of incoherence. That's where burnout starts to happen, where stress starts to happen, where resentment starts to happen. Okay, so I think we talked, I've introduced this topic now and you sort of know why this matters, but I'm just gonna go a little bit deeper here. This matters because ⁓ I've said this already, but awareness is not going to change your life. And if you're someone who really values growth, if you're listening to this podcast, you're probably mission driven. You probably care about growth. And again, it's going to create frustration. The more you know, and don't take action creates frustration because there's a gap. And in that gap, that's where suffering lives. The suffering of like, I know I should do better, but I'm not doing better. when you look at the literature of neuroscience, What change actually requires, again, is more than just the insight. It's more than that really good feeling of dopamine. It requires the uncomfortable repetition, the emotional engagement. It requires your nervous system to actually experience something new over and over and over again. And there's many researchers in behavior science, like BJ Fox, who have shown that behavior change happens through these tiny, small, consistent actions, not big moments of insights. It's why if you go to like some professional development conference or you have like a work retreat, things can feel so good. over that like day or a couple of days when you're at that meeting and then you come home and you're really excited and energized. And as the days go on, you just kind of fall back into your same patterns and you don't actually change. That's because what happened that felt so good is the awareness in those moments. But then you go back and you don't make the changes that you're actually making because the change. The work requires work and that's uncomfortable. from a brain perspective, again, ⁓ know, the brain is plastic. That's why we say neuroplasticity. The brain is plastic. It will shift shape mold based on how you train it. ⁓ the brain's ability to rewire itself really depends on repetition. It requires on you choosing a way of being and doing that over and over again, ⁓ So requires more than just awareness. It requires you to take the actions that are uncomfortable and make space for that discomfort. why is it so uncomfortable? Like, why is it hard? hard kind of an interesting word. It depends how you define hard. So I'm gonna, instead of using the word hard, I'm going to say that takes effort. It takes effort. So the reason why most people don't actually integrate those moments of awareness is because it takes effort. your brain is wired for efficiency. Your brain does not want to extra effort itself. It wants to conserve energy. It wants to keep you alive, do it as fast and efficient as possible. ⁓ And in order to do that, it relies on these existing habit loops that are stored in your basal ganglia. That's the reason why you're driving home from work and you start like thinking about something. ⁓ like from last week or next week or whatever. And next thing you know, you're home and you don't even remember turning right or turning left because your brain relies on existing habit loops that are stored in your basal ganglia. when you do something new ⁓ do something different, it requires effort. So your brain actually has to ⁓ the same habit loops and start thinking differently. ⁓ fact, there was a study many years ago to show that one way that we can ⁓ keep our brains fresh and resilient as we age is by doing something different. It could be as simple as driving home a different route than your normal route or putting on your belt. If you go right, if you go from the right first, go in through the left, doing things a little bit different every once in a while to really keep your brain energized and fresh and taking these actions to be resilient. Somebody was even linking those behaviors to outcomes of Alzheimer's saying that you can decrease your likelihood for Alzheimer's if you start taking all of these actions that are slightly different. And you start to change your behavior, your nervous system ⁓ in the beginning, when you're starting to change behavior, let's say ⁓ you have this moment of awareness, you know, want to integrate this new habit ⁓ and you start to change the way you're things. That's going to feel uncomfortable for a couple of reasons. One, again, you have to effort because you have to break those old habits and do something different. But sometimes your brain can interpret that, your nervous system can interpret that as a threat. So, for example, setting a boundary can feel unsafe. Speaking up can feel risky. Resting can make you feel guilty. And so that level of discomfort in the middle could be because you sense a threat and that threat could be because you've just never done it before. And so your nervous system hasn't yet registered safety with those actions. what's so powerful is the more that you take those actions and the more that you realize nothing bad happens when you do them, you're still alive, the more you register safety and the easier it becomes. And again, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. You do it more and more, you create a habit. And that is how you create your new way of being. you have to push through a little of the discomfort. You have to do the efforts in the beginning and push through the discomfort. ⁓ reason it can feel ⁓ effortful or can feel hard is because of the dopamine trap. Now I talked about this a lot already, is ⁓ awareness creates release of dopamine, which feels really good and learning can feel really productive. So your brain starts to substitute the learning for the doing. Let me just listen to another podcast. Let me just read another book because that feels good. That feels like growth. But again, I want you to remember that that growth is not integration. And it's so, so fascinating with my coaching clients because I see these linear growth patterns with them. Whenever we come, we create some really powerful moments of awareness in our one-to-one sessions and It's their choice if they go out and integrate. I can't do the work for them. But the ones that do go out and actually integrate these changes, holy smokes, like their growth is fantastic. And I have to tell you, I have a pretty good track record with my clients because I make sure that I give them ways of practicing that are going to feel easy in alignment with their life so that the effort is not so overwhelming that it's hard for them to do. But the thing is, Again, you have to do the work. here's last reason why I think this can be hard for people, because a lot of people don't have the structure. ⁓ So you are someone who's like, ⁓ listen a lot of podcasts or books and you're still not getting the results you want, it might just be because you don't have a clear path to take the actions. Like what are the exact step-by-step actions that I have to take to change this habit? ⁓ If don't have a clear path or someone walking you through that or a community that's keeping you, kind of just like motivating you or inspiring you, the change can feel really daunting. when something feels daunting or overwhelming, ⁓ we don't want to start at all, or ⁓ easy for us to quit. And then there's the identity piece. ⁓ this is, think, one of the most important things is when we don't have the identity that this is something that we can do, when we don't believe that it's possible for us, then it's really easy for us to backslide. And then eventually we'll quit and tell ourselves, well, I didn't, I, it wasn't something I could have done anyway. Okay. So we've talked a lot about a lot of stuff. We talked about why awareness feels so good, how awareness is not the same thing as integration, why integration matters and why integration can feel difficult because it requires a lot of effort. So I to just end the podcast today by talking about how you can actually start. ⁓ if you are noticing the same patterns over and over and over again, and you're not able to break through them, ⁓ might the support of a coach or a community. And the reason why is this, that it's really hard for us to ⁓ notice problems that we're at, at the same level of consciousness that created those Actually, Albert Einstein said, you can't solve a problem from the same level of consciousness that created that problem, which is why I think working with the coach or having a community or having someone around you that can support you is really, really, really helpful. And if you are looking for someone, I would love to work with you. Of course, I work one-on-one with professionals, with high functioning folks, doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs who are looking for their next level of growth or who want to feel better in the lives that they've already created, that they've worked so hard to create. so if you are looking for ⁓ someone support you, look for someone to support you. if you want to try this on your own, here's I would say. ⁓ want to first, of course, you have to have the awareness that there's something you want to You still need awareness. You have to see the pattern. You need to know, you need to name it out loud and say, ⁓ okay. And you don't just have to see the pattern, you have to accept that it's there. Awareness and acceptance are the very first steps to making any changes. It's so important to have awareness that there's a problem and accept that the problem exists. second thing I want you to do is to create a plan for integration that's step like little tiny micro integration steps. I want you to plan to make this huge overhauling change overnight. because that's just what the brain likes to do. We want to go from zero to 100 because sometimes we see everything in black and white. I'm not working out at all. Now I'm going to start working out every day of the week as opposed to like, I'm not working out at all. Let me just start by doing two days a week or three days a because when you try to go from zero to 100, it's just going to set you up to fail and you'll feel really frustrated. So plan micro integration steps. third thing is want to make sure that you are creating a space for repetition and practice. Again, this is where the real work is. To rewire your brain, you have to have awareness of the problem, accept that the problem exists, create a way start making changes little by little, and repeat those tiny little changes every day. Do it again and again and again. you want to set a boundary. And the boundary is, ⁓ going to show up as the most authentic you, you're to just show up more authentically. but what is you uncomfortable because you think you're supposed to show up professional or a specific way in certain circles. And so it's really uncomfortable to show up as the most authentic you. It's not practiced. But now you've done all this work and you know that it's really important for you to show up as the most authentic you. of micro steps you can take ⁓ is, okay, I'm in a space ⁓ and it's, have an to speak up, I'm going to pause, take a deep breath and remind myself that I am safe before I speak so that I can show up as the most authentic me. that's the micro integration step. And now the repetition is going to be, okay, I get to do it in my meeting this morning at work. I get to do it later when I'm at the PTA meeting. I get to do it when I'm at soccer practice and talking to the other parents. And tomorrow I get to do it again. I get to do it again and again until eventually you just become someone who pauses, takes a breath, and is able to speak from their true authentic self. And soon you won't even need to take that breath because you've created so much safety that now your brain knows it's safe to show up as the most authentic version of you. we talked a lot of stuff today and I want you to really just sit with this question. Where in your life have you created awareness but are not yet integrating? And what would it look like to begin ⁓ practicing? What would look like to begin integrating? Again, you don't have to do it perfect, but you do get to be consistent because your growth and your transformation, again, is not about how much you know. It's about how much you practice and who you get to be along the way. All right, sweet friends, I hope this was helpful. I will see you next week. Adios.